B's BLOG

For my musings.....and for your entertainment, or to awaken something inside you.
Thu Apr 15
I haven’t updated this blog in over a year.  The last entry I posted was of me having gotten through an intense changeover at my last job and actually, six days later I was laid off.  Thank God for unemployment I guess.  Much has gone on but I will say that one of the best parts of being unemployed has been meeting a beautiful hasidic jew that I’m in love with.  This pic is of us being silly.  Sillyness is a great part of our relationship….I am grateful to have a sweet man in my life. <3

I haven’t updated this blog in over a year.  The last entry I posted was of me having gotten through an intense changeover at my last job and actually, six days later I was laid off.  Thank God for unemployment I guess.  Much has gone on but I will say that one of the best parts of being unemployed has been meeting a beautiful hasidic jew that I’m in love with.  This pic is of us being silly.  Sillyness is a great part of our relationship….I am grateful to have a sweet man in my life. <3

Sun Jan 25

2009 so far

Well, so far 2009 has been okay…..I’m hoping things will get better and that I’ll snap out of the small funk I’m in.  I worked from Jan 1st to the 20th, we opened a new show at work, one of my artists tore his achilles tendon on the night of dress rehearsal and I’m overall tired of my job.  I’m trying to find the best way to stay creative, work with music and become a yoga teacher.  I hope the universe sends me some guidance.  I’ve been trying to stay open to dating and meeting new people.  My date last weekend was a little awkward and I was so tired that we only hung out for an hour….I felt bad but I was exhausted.  I wonder if we’ll hang out again, I didn’t really feel that much chemistry…then tonight I was supposed to go on another date and the person didn’t get back to me, and this is the second time he does this.  I think one of my friends in LA is still attracted to me and I love it!  I need to go see him, I think we could have a lot of fun.  I’m still in love with another good friend that won’t talk to me about our feelings and I wish I could move on from those feelings and lastly, my crush from the crushes entry decided to have a girlfriend a lot sooner than what I expected.  Sometimes I feel like I’m too intense for people.  We’ll see what the future has in store.

Oh, and there’s always Joshie in PA…..he’s a cutie. ;-)

Tue Dec 23
To Adopt or not to adopt? That is the question! So many cute dogs in this world that need lots of love!  I&#8217;m contemplating adopting an older dog from a great rescue organization in Berkeley&#8230;..What&#8217;s a girl to do?  This guy&#8217;s name is Malcolm, and he&#8217;s just the cutest thing ever! &lt;3

To Adopt or not to adopt? That is the question! So many cute dogs in this world that need lots of love!  I’m contemplating adopting an older dog from a great rescue organization in Berkeley…..What’s a girl to do?  This guy’s name is Malcolm, and he’s just the cutest thing ever! <3

Wed Dec 17

NIN and NIN—WOW

I just had the BEST weekend ever!!!! I went to see Nine Inch Nails in Sacramento with my good friend Jackson and the show was almost indescribable….I thought we were just going to get the chance to see Robin for a second and then watch the show from our seats but he gave us two all-access passes and we got to putter around backstage and watch the show from stage left and from behind the sound booth.  Jackson took over 1,300 pics which I hope make their way into my hands soon…I’ll post the link to his flickr account later so you can all peep them.

The show was amazing, the sound was incredible and the band was just, SO tight, I think they could have done the show blindfolded.  The visuals were fucking unreal and I guess I just need you to see Jackson’s pics so you can see for yourselves.  Friends rule, and good friends that are super NIN fans are even better!

On a small side note, I’m totally going out on dates with some fun guys I’ve met in the past few weeks.  It feels really good to have new interests and things to look forward to in the realm of love and dating. Yay! :-)

Sat Nov 29

Crushes…..

I’ve been thinking a lot about crushes lately.  I usually have a few crushes at a time, I guess because I don’t want to put all my hopes into one person.  Ouch.  Usually my crushes don’t turn into anything because I don’t like the person enough to pursue anything and maybe vice-versa and also because I don’t generally choose people that are available!  Double ouch. I guess I just enjoy observing and crushing from a distance. Plus, emotionally it’s safer that way, knowing that nothing is going to happen.  It’s rare that I meet someone and feel a big enough soul connection that makes me want to know EVERYTHING about them in a more intimate way than just as friends.  I haven’t been dating this past year much because I’ve been a little disenchanted with the dating scene in San Francisco and the last person I dated hurt me very much….There’s plenty of cute gay boys to go around but there’s really not a lot of quality straight men, and if there are, I’m not meeting them.  I’ve spent the past year also figuring out my feelings for a very good friend, and then going on a roller coaster of emotions realizing that I was totally enamored with someone who was way too detached emotionally. I’m still working on disentangling myself from that situation.

But, in the middle of this roller coaster of emotions I met someone really, really interesting. This person sort of just “appeared” out of nowhere, when I wasn’t searching or looking for anyone…..It was like one day they were just there, in my reality.  It had been a really long time since I’d met someone that I found VERY attractive……I mean, they were/are absolutely adorable!  They are the kind of person that you see somewhere and you just notice because of their intense presence.  At the time I didn’t get to interact with them as much as my soul wanted to and then I found out from a friend that they had a girlfriend. :(  Obviously the timing was off.  But, I definitely hoped that we would get the chance to be better friends.

Time has passed and as I’ve been travelling through my sea of emotions, therapy, and everything else they have become someone I feel like I can really talk to and trust.  They broke up with their girlfriend a few months ago and we have been more in touch.  I’m not sure why I confided in them about my adventures in therapy but it has been so wonderful and amazing to have someone there who is super supportive, makes me laugh and doesn’t think I’m crazy.  This person definitely means alot to me and I’ve realized that I have feelings for them (damn being vulnerable! ;-))….it scares me but at the same time it’s a gentle reminder that my heart loves and yearns for something beautiful with someone else.  Something that is far more than a good friendship…something more like a solid partnership.  It’s funny because the fact that I’ve trusted them with my crazy stories means that I know it’s a beautiful soul connection.  That makes me smile because, even if nothing happens as soon as I’d like it to, they’ve made me realize that I CAN have a deeper connection again or even be willing to have one……For the longest time I felt like I just wouldn’t connect with someone on that level….So, thanks so much for making it safe for me to open up again.  I feel: HARMONY, GRATITUDE, a sense of ADVENTURE and of course, a deep sense of TRUST. Thank you!

Wed Nov 26
I need more love in my life, here&#8217;s to attracting that! :-)

I need more love in my life, here’s to attracting that! :-)

Seattle is BEAUTIFUL&#8230;.! I went to Seattle a week and a half ago and it was a much needed break from everything that had been going on in my life.  I had time to think about what really mattered to me, what I was ready to let go of and just feel a little more alive.  It was nice to hang out at bars where no one knew me, make a fool of myself singing karaoke in front of people I had never met before and wasn&#8217;t sure I&#8217;d see again. Staying with Gene was great and we had the best time EVER!  He was a wonderful host, we stayed out late both nights, closed down the bars and came home to dance and have more fun.  My time could not have been any more fun&#8230;&#8230;Who knew I was missing out on plain old FUN?  I&#8217;ve resolved to have more FUN in my life, more fun with friends that I truly care about.   I&#8217;ve learned that I have to let go of some friendships and feelings for people that are not being supportive.  Sometimes I hate that I can&#8217;t just have superficial friendships with people, I guess if I was more shallow it would be different, but I&#8217;m not.  I want to receive as much as I give and I want to see the true essence of the human soul and experience.  It&#8217;s what fills me.  If i can&#8217;t have that, then I don&#8217;t want to waste my time.  I know that sounds harsh but I love it when people are open to showing me those experiences, hurt, love, loss, pain, laughter.  It&#8217;s all part of being in this existence.  I don&#8217;t want to have friends just to have friends, I want MORE, so much more out of my friendships.  It&#8217;s funny because it seems like everyone is scared of giving even just a little.  I am not scared and I can&#8217;t wait to meet more friends that aren&#8217;t scared either. Here&#8217;s to finding meaningful connections, seeing the true essence of others and to love, may it always be what makes the world go &#8216;round.

Seattle is BEAUTIFUL….!

I went to Seattle a week and a half ago and it was a much needed break from everything that had been going on in my life.  I had time to think about what really mattered to me, what I was ready to let go of and just feel a little more alive.  It was nice to hang out at bars where no one knew me, make a fool of myself singing karaoke in front of people I had never met before and wasn’t sure I’d see again.

Staying with Gene was great and we had the best time EVER!  He was a wonderful host, we stayed out late both nights, closed down the bars and came home to dance and have more fun.  My time could not have been any more fun……Who knew I was missing out on plain old FUN?  I’ve resolved to have more FUN in my life, more fun with friends that I truly care about.   I’ve learned that I have to let go of some friendships and feelings for people that are not being supportive.  Sometimes I hate that I can’t just have superficial friendships with people, I guess if I was more shallow it would be different, but I’m not.  I want to receive as much as I give and I want to see the true essence of the human soul and experience.  It’s what fills me.  If i can’t have that, then I don’t want to waste my time.  I know that sounds harsh but I love it when people are open to showing me those experiences, hurt, love, loss, pain, laughter.  It’s all part of being in this existence.  I don’t want to have friends just to have friends, I want MORE, so much more out of my friendships.  It’s funny because it seems like everyone is scared of giving even just a little.  I am not scared and I can’t wait to meet more friends that aren’t scared either.

Here’s to finding meaningful connections, seeing the true essence of others and to love, may it always be what makes the world go ‘round.

Mon Jul 2

Warped :)

I’m going to put up a rad blog about the warped tour…..Kevin Lyman rocks :)

Thu Mar 29

To work, or not to work, that is the question

Today I was at Urth cafe with one of my stellar coworkers, Kimmy, waiting for our food order when this 80 year old woman walked in, she was homeless, her hair was matted and she smelled like pee……my nose shriveled and as I looked out the window I saw two BMW’s drive by and a Land Rover and I shared with Kimmy how amazing it is that you can see the best and worst of both worlds in LA….so much money yet so much sadness and lack of it. I wish I had had a camera…. Not to immortalize the poor woman’s pain but to just show the dichotomy of it all. Oh, and the title of the blog…well, I really haven’t felt like being at work all day today. I’m excited to jet off to San Fran next thurs.

:)